turn your phone sideways and then you'll see
lol ded | flash fiction
—fingers drumming against thigh, coffee in nostrils, trying my best to be ‘here’—trying to be one of those zen boys able to enjoy their thoughts—where do I look? What do I do with my hands? They should need to do something…anything, aaaaand…shit, I’m scrolling again. Twitter’s all #droneattack #buttprobes #HOAX—the group chat’s on fire with E.T. memes, the pic with his long ass finger up captioned “come to daddy,” big dystopian YA vibes for sure. Some WASPy bitch asks if oat milk is gluten-free. I can’t hear the answer. Insta: there’s a live stream, WAR OF THE WORLDS!!!, 400k watching some dude in Akron pointing his potato-ass camera at the sky and breathing heavily, bro…literally a delivery drone escaped from Bezos’ drone zoo, chill—someone who interned at the pentagon says they’re robots sniffing for nukes. The twenty-something behind me’s trying to explain intergalactic travel to a freshman. Back to Twitter: #WAKEUPSHEEPLE—someone’s made an account from the perspective of a drone: bzz bzz, we’re coming for you! A blue checkmark says the drones are dropping things…@shrekwrecker44: you mean like how you’re mother dropped you? The line’s moving; what do I want? I scan the menu QR—someone texts a link to a Buzzfeed poll: what do YOU think the drones are? (1) government (2) aliens (3) china (4) jews—I vote jews ‘cause everyone else did and now the algorithm sends me MAGA shit—text from mom: your father’s in the yard with his gun…where r u?—me: lol sounds like dad. Pull up menu, try to focus—brain’s doing that what if we just didn’t focus on anything every again? thing…what syrups do they have?❗️BREAKING NEWS❗️…close-up video of a drone—it’s sleek and black, I zoom in trying to find little green men inside but the video cuts out and I’m left staring at my reflection, eyes wide and manic, shit…did I brush my teeth today? Open reminders: BRUSH TEETH. Open Facebook some dude—“Sir?” The barista’s shooting a stink face, my thumb refreshes the screen as I say “cappachino”—some FB dude from HS: vid of a little drone hanging low in his yard, “it’s staring at me, wtf”—I watch for a solid minute before realizing it’s just a loop of the same three seconds, I write bro, it’s actually kinda cute…giving mad WALL-E vibes… and delete 3 seconds after posting—someone bumps my shoulder; a barista shouts “BRYAN!” so loud I jump. He’s looking at me; what name did I give? I look down: “What the drones mean for your zodiac sign…”— @blessedbetty4 says they’re not drones, they’re angels! @putawaywet69 to @blessedbetty4 I don’t care what they are, as long as they probe this holeeeeeeee—❗️CNN NEWS ALERT❗️: the Twitter impersonating the drones got suspended for posting nudes. “Bryan?” People are at the window, crying and FaceTiming their family. “BRYAN!!” fuck…he’s staring at me. I’ll commit to this Bryan thing. Walk forward. “Bryan?” “Yup.” The coffee is warm in my hands. My phone vibrates, You’ve got a package!, the hell did I order? Snapchat from big sis: let me at ‘em! over Will Smith slapping Chris Rock but Rock’s head is a drone, lol ded, *screenshot* and make it my Insta story, mood, and walk out—door slams behind, there’s buzzing and some sirens, maybe a scream…I don’t know, I take a sip, all foam. Gross. My phone tells me chance of rain today near me and that I’m running low on dog poop bags…
Would love to hear audio of you reading this. Or of AI reading it. Preferably you.
That was a cool story but a little bit long man, what do you want, that I read a goddamn novel here? Fact is, I got a little bit distracted with my newsfeed here and didn't finish, turns out that that guy that did that thing is really a lady, know what I mean? Anyway what drones, man? That shit is like so last week.
Fun tho. Hits different.