note: this is an expanded version of an older story
Body no want awareness, no truth, just sit in creaky porch chair and wiggle and watch Helen weed beds, humming out for touch as sun goes. Body want float on back in salty water and see sun shimmer as Body sail, but Helen say Body can no swim, will sink stone like.
Body love Helen. She smile with pirate talk and sponges Body’s skin and puts cold on Body’s burned foots, naming each piggy. In summer, she tickles ear with dandelion whites and points at rhododendrons and traps for Body nice fluffy bees in jars and lets Body hold jar, if no tell Daddy. Body laugh, feeling the buzzies throw weight against glass, wants to pet them to say Hello.
Helen worry when Body can no blink well, she say “why eye puffy? what Daddy do?” She blot Body’s face with hot rag and take Body to man with cold hands. She pats hair going “there there,” wiping snot, shoveling peppermints into mouth like Body feeding Donkey at zoo.
One time, Body sit in garden, clawing brown and picking up wriggly thing. Body think noodle and bite down. Helen get angry and open Body’s mouth, forcing earth hands going “ew! ew!” picking mush off tongue saying “swish" as she gives lemonade. She laugh and her laugh make Body laugh lemons out nose.
Helen become mammoth and no walk good, she waddle goosey-like petting her Daddy paunch. Body want play it drum-like, but when hand go near she swat and go “shoo!” She eat weird and hide behind doors yelling a mouth’s kicking her inside out. Grey neighbor lady come when sun gone to sit and breath loud with Helen on white cloud pillows.
Body wait on porch chasing whirligigs. Helen come leaking, going “sit, love dove” pulling Body close to whisper warm ear tickles. She say Body good listen. She think Body no understand. Body understand, but no remember much. Body remember “rape”, she says it lots. Body remember “Daddy” and “rape," but no else.
Helen scream in potty. Man with cold hands come with bag of silver and Daddy put Body in room yelling “stay!” Body come for bathy time and see red towel lump in hall. Helen sound like wolf. Body howl with, pretending full moon. Daddy gives belt and lock Body in room with poo pail and blankey.
Sun come and Daddy unlock saying “breakfast.” Helen sit with scramby eggs holding lil’ prune boy, smile-saying “this here Wally!” She say he just like a pond taddy, soon he grow big and be Body’s frog pal and “ain’t that swell?”
Body try touch but einsy fist snag at Body’s fingy. Body pull way quick and Wally leak. Helen go “careful.” Body want pet Hello. Helen pull way. Body try harder. She pull way, scared looking. Body try hug babe. Helen smack Body “enough!” Body leak and Daddy come running to lock Body up.
Wally night screams to keep Helen away. Helen promise she let Body feed park duckies today. Body walk swinging soft Wonder bag tugging her dress saying “ducky time!” Helen in bed with Wally holding fingy to mouth hissing “shhhhhhh.” Body tugs hard “duckies! duckies!” Helen swat hand yelling “go on! get!”
Body goes sat in grass watching Daddy fell trees, putting bread on tongue and mashing white Wonder against mouth roof. Daddy put shiny axe in dirt to puff ciggy. Good sun wink winks at Body in axe silver going psp psp psp. Wally starts storms inside. Helen start singing and going “hush love dove.” Body’s eyes sour and spin like whirligig.
The grass is soft on Body’s foots. Sun shadow guide Body to hot wood handle, helping Body lift winking silver. Good sun has Body bucking horse-like and howling like Helen in potty, bringing axe to Daddy. Body put down axe, breathing hard with skin feeling all blankey warm, smile-counting the dirt Daddies, waiting for lemons to giggle out nose.
Foots bring Body to kitchen. Helen sit feeding Wally mush. She look and scream, “what Daddy do?!” She come hug Body, checking skin, “what Daddy do?!” Her eyes go scared. Body want lemonade as she look and pat all over Body. Helen turn to window-peep the trees for Daddy. She bring hands to mouth and holler-runs to pull Wally chest close and lock up in the potty. Body giggle and run, howling wolf, scratching the door, “a-woooooooo!”
Blue man lock Body in room with cold bracelet. Body sat on bed dangle-kicking foots watching trees wind dance all nakey. Body hear Helen leak and whisper to man with cold hands and the blue folk saying something about “next kin.” Blue man open door and Helen comes. Body smile, reaching for hug, squealing as mattress dips when she plop close. She hold leaking face to Body’s shoulder and rub back going “oh” over and over “oh, oh.” Body say “oh” too and watch trees. Helen leaks and hugs as Body watch light leave sky, dreaming of ever westward planes to carry Body along brother Sun, running from Dark, arriving where Body no wake dew soaked and tired and is no proded by cold hands or Daddy’s belt and can sit as Helen plucks bees from never not bright skies.
note for posterity and/or my ego: ‘ever westward’ was long-listed for the summer 2024 Oxford Flash Fiction Prize
Oh this one is a heart-stopper. I became tearful as I read about the kid admitting to understanding what his dad did to Helen; then my eyes started to leak when the child was locked up alone in the room all night. Wow, the beautiful way that you write in a vernacular style is haunting and precise; the language felt reminiscent of the first lines of The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner (that’s high praise in my book.) The kid’s voice feels heart-wrenching and devastatingly true. I’m kinda at a loss for words because this broke my heart and took my breath away. Absolutely worthy of the contest prize I think. Thank you for sharing this haunting story of familial loss, decay, and heartache. Phenomenal writing!
You should be a household name. Not playing around.