OnlyFans will save your life!
A working musician's attempt at satire and/or articulating a vision of an undesirable near future.
Did you make the mistake of pursuing a degree in the arts? Are you a destitute musician, painter, writer, or dancer?
If you've answered "yes," you've come to the right place!
Hi. I'm Dr. Charlie Tess, a failed painter and art historian. I'm here to tell you how Mask_Turbate saved my life and how it will do the same for you!
Nowadays, we all know that special somebody who made a killing on OnlyFans. "Work" for these lucky folks consists of uploading a few nude posts a week. They’ve amassed hoards of horny subscribers—AKA ‘Fans’—that pay monthly premiums for access. The rest of their time is spent opulently jet-setting around the globe while you're living hand-to-mouth with your seven smelly roommates.
It's only natural to think: "Why can't I do that?"
It would be so easy! We all masturbate and have Hollywood-grade cameras in our pockets; it costs nothing to make our cameras flies on the wall. All we'd have to do is upload our goods to OnlyFans, and our financial woes would be over!
But it's not as simple as it seems…
For many of us non-exhibitionist folks, the thought of our genitals and face, together, in the same image, and that image eternally entombed on the jizz-crusted hard drives of random interweb wankers, is enough to make our collective skin crawl.
What if I told you there was a way to leave your life of art-inflicted poverty behind?
What if there was a way to tap into OnlyFans' profit pump, pay off your debts, and become financially free without showing your face?
Mask_Turbate is the first AI-powered browser plug-in allowing you to go hog wild on OnlyFans: fill all your crevices, wiggle them piggies, moan your guts out, bust your nut—all in total anonymity!
Start cashing in on your body in two simple steps:
(1) Sync Mask_Turbate to your OnlyFans account. Generative AI, courtesy of thispersondoesnotexist.com, will conjure an image of an uncannily realistic human face. Refresh the page until you've found a groin-tingling mug, and save it to your desktop.
(2) Upload your naughty content and your constructed countenance. Mask_Turbate will Hannibal Lecter-ize your content by photorealistically superimposing your artificial face over your actual face and Violà! It's still you showering, jerking off, fisting, squirting, and the like, but the face the Lord gave ya is completely unsullied!
But wait, there's more!
Mask_Turbate features integrated ChatGPT technology that sends customized daily sexts to your fans, making them feel like every flick of the wrist is just for them!
"Only YOU can drain me bb, 🫦💦 get over here! 😈"
"nothin' but CHEEKS this morning 🍑 — what would you do if they were in your face? 🧐😏"
While Mask_Turbate is FREE for anyone with an arts degree and working artists under 135% FPL, I highly recommend upgrading to Mask_Turbate_PRO for just $5.98 a month!
With PRO, you're not limited to a single profile. You're free to create a rolodex of masturbatory alter-egos and preside over multiple income-generating OnlyFans accounts! Users report that PRO finally allows them to alchemize their creative impulses into cash.
I've gotten quite creative with it myself! My most profitable alter-ego is "Gabe." He's incredibly confident and meticulously manscaped. When filming his content, I wear my only pair of Versace briefs and rent a swanky AirBnB downtown. Fans love ogling as he nakedly saunters about “his” luxurious loft.
Seeing that I tend to get festively plump after the holidays, I've constructed my winter persona, "Riley." He's a slightly pudgy graduate student drowning in loans. I let my pubes grow long and unkempt and use a Sharpie to place an endearing constellation of freckles 3.2 inches to the left of my asshole. I'll wear old, hole-pocked boxers and stencil Amazon-purchased tattoos on the inside of my right thigh.
Gabe wears cologne and is into edging and dirty talk. He uses high-quality lube as he strokes his cock slowly and deliberately. Riley uses Irish Spring and frequently has Dorito dust stuck under his fingernails as he furiously beats off, loudly spitting into his hand for lubrication.
The possibilities are endless!
Struggling to make ends meet through artistic pursuits? Don't wait for the government to forgive your loans! Don't languish away in low-wage contingent work or fruitless side hustles! Rub one out in front of your phone and rake in that cash!
Thanks to Mask_Turbate, those of us who made the mistake of following our artistic dreams are no longer condemned to lives of poverty and soul-crushing, minimum-wage jobs. We no longer need to feel embarrassed at high school reunions. We no longer need to justify ourselves to that one Uncle we all seem to have at Thanksgiving.
Unzip your pants and take out your phone. You have everything you need to get started.
What are you waiting for?
Download Mask_Turbate today!
Brilliant. One question, though. How is the SEO on this? I want my self-gratification to be highly searchable, especially my wearing of a Guy Fawkes mask while digitally oscillating myself around a bonfire. Input appreciated.
No lie, last week my husband was trying to convince me to start an OF where I cook in nothing but an apron. I was worried about the lack of anonymity and now all my problems are solved! Who do I pick? Go with the obvious Giada De Laurentiis? Or maybe I put the wham in BAM with some Emeril daddy kink?