Will I’m so intrigued by these characters and your observations. I love the olives and almonds scene. I love how intense it feels and how sensual. If anything, I feel like you could pare back your style a bit to let those moments shine brighter, because sometimes the words are louder than the scene (for me).
Some overanalyzing for you: I would guess the character writing this is socially isolated(the character enacts a contention familiar to all shy and non confrontational folk) but very intelligent (the language used in this short is advanced and the nature of the story screams people watcher/observer of the writer). I would guess based on all that, he's single, lonely, probably not online very much, holds a menial job and doesn't really have hobbies or friends. The inclusion of abuse as aside on this character in the short makes me think the author might've had a distant relationship with his own parents, but not abuse. I picture the author of thus short as something like David foster Wallace
There's some overanalyzing for you.
I would say the short is solid, it does require a slow read due to nature of vocabulary used - very it feels big and snaps around
Hey Will - after I read this twice I set about doing soem thoughts for you, but decidsed best to DM you with it annd not blurt loads of plot spoilers and dumb ass questions in the chat! -
suffice to say - a challenging and thought provoking and skin crawling dirty ride - good work!
that thing with the aeroplanes - I always find myslelf thinking that....am I bad?
i started reading but couldn't quite get through after the first third, i liked it but i think i need a tighter grip on plot and i was distracted by the sensual but also provocative but also... idk, kind of gross language. i do really like how the language is almost gloopy, thick, treacly, hard to get through. i imagine the character writing this as sort of a voyeur but also oddly intimate with the people he is describing, whether imaginatively or otherwise. will save & see if i make it through the whole thing another time.
it reminded me of china mieville's writing, for what it's worth. in the textural elements and the strangeness of certain words. i have only read a few books by him though. the one i'm thinking of is perdido street station.
idk if this is remotely helpful but thought i'd tap tap it anyways.
Hi Will, thanks for sharing it. I enjoyed as ever submerging into your stream of surging prose and losing my conscious thought in the rhythm of it. The prose gets better and better and I feel that the novel will most definitely be a success in terms of style for sure.
As for judging it in terms of story and character, you've left us with a tricky task. This is the story-within-a-story, so the character of the writer of this piece can only be surmised as somebody who's drunk with language and highly transgressive. I imagine somebody like a middle-aged Burroughs,.with a similar penchant for dive bars and grungy sex. But since the authorial voice is always to some extent a put-on, the actual author might be something entirely different. A respectable academic LARPing as a literary lowlife, with a Faulknerian fascination for prose...
All I can say is that the story held my attention and urged me on towards the end, even though I wasn't always sure exactly what was going on. But I enjoyed the challenge of piecing together the events while being immersed in a wash of gushing language pushing ahead reagrdless. The key element of the style, that surprising adjectival epithet, a surreal beast popping out of nowhere, is shared by both this author and by yourself. I'm thinking that to carve out a different voice for the diegetically 'real' bits of story might be more challenging for you than this effusive hyper-prose.
I have more thoughts, but that'll do for the moment. Cheers
Thanks so much, Murph! Yes, it is a difficult task to judge this as it is a story-within-a-story, but it certainly helps to hear of the images that it conjures about the "writer." I am curious, were there particular part where it was unclear what was going on? I'd love to dive in and take a look at those areas if you don't mind
Based on the comments, I'm in the minority of not liking this. I didn't read more than a few paragraphs because I found the prose hard to get through without it being really worth anything.
There's a particular modern writing style where it seems to not matter what is being said and how much is being said, but rather how it is being said. I prefer to see paragraphs packed densely with information, where each sentence might inform you of not just the scene in question, but the context of the world.
In this excerpt, however, it's as if you are trying to convey as little information as possible using as many words as possible. It's also as if you've gone through your story and intentionally replaced some words with other nonsensical ones at complete random, some of which don't hold even remotely hold the meaning you are intending to use them for. What is the reason for trying so desperately to conceal to your reader what you mean to say? What scene you mean to describe? Maybe I'm being unfair.
I will concede it's possible I just don't like this style, in which case you can safely discard all that feedback. I will say, however, you should be mindful of your sentence length variation.
Thanks Caleb! Appreciate you, my friend! A little context: the main character (the dude who ‘wrote’ this) works at a crisis call line. There are vignettes throughout the novel that are implied to be written by him that are based on calls he takes
Will I’m so intrigued by these characters and your observations. I love the olives and almonds scene. I love how intense it feels and how sensual. If anything, I feel like you could pare back your style a bit to let those moments shine brighter, because sometimes the words are louder than the scene (for me).
I totally agree, thanks for reinforcing that EJ! I always appreciate your perspective :)
Wow. Just… wow. This is pure nightmare fuel wrapped in stream-of-consciousness. It’s disgusting and magnetic at the same time. Well done!
haha thanks so much Gaby! I’m glad the disgust was balanced by magnetism :)
Some overanalyzing for you: I would guess the character writing this is socially isolated(the character enacts a contention familiar to all shy and non confrontational folk) but very intelligent (the language used in this short is advanced and the nature of the story screams people watcher/observer of the writer). I would guess based on all that, he's single, lonely, probably not online very much, holds a menial job and doesn't really have hobbies or friends. The inclusion of abuse as aside on this character in the short makes me think the author might've had a distant relationship with his own parents, but not abuse. I picture the author of thus short as something like David foster Wallace
There's some overanalyzing for you.
I would say the short is solid, it does require a slow read due to nature of vocabulary used - very it feels big and snaps around
Thanks Keith! I really appreciate this, super helpful!
Hey Will - after I read this twice I set about doing soem thoughts for you, but decidsed best to DM you with it annd not blurt loads of plot spoilers and dumb ass questions in the chat! -
suffice to say - a challenging and thought provoking and skin crawling dirty ride - good work!
that thing with the aeroplanes - I always find myslelf thinking that....am I bad?
Hey Nick! Thanks for tackling this one! I’m looking forward to looking at your notes.
Re; airplanes, I think that just makes us normal lol
i started reading but couldn't quite get through after the first third, i liked it but i think i need a tighter grip on plot and i was distracted by the sensual but also provocative but also... idk, kind of gross language. i do really like how the language is almost gloopy, thick, treacly, hard to get through. i imagine the character writing this as sort of a voyeur but also oddly intimate with the people he is describing, whether imaginatively or otherwise. will save & see if i make it through the whole thing another time.
it reminded me of china mieville's writing, for what it's worth. in the textural elements and the strangeness of certain words. i have only read a few books by him though. the one i'm thinking of is perdido street station.
idk if this is remotely helpful but thought i'd tap tap it anyways.
This is ABSOLUTELY helpful. Thanks so much for taking the time to check it out
Hi Will, thanks for sharing it. I enjoyed as ever submerging into your stream of surging prose and losing my conscious thought in the rhythm of it. The prose gets better and better and I feel that the novel will most definitely be a success in terms of style for sure.
As for judging it in terms of story and character, you've left us with a tricky task. This is the story-within-a-story, so the character of the writer of this piece can only be surmised as somebody who's drunk with language and highly transgressive. I imagine somebody like a middle-aged Burroughs,.with a similar penchant for dive bars and grungy sex. But since the authorial voice is always to some extent a put-on, the actual author might be something entirely different. A respectable academic LARPing as a literary lowlife, with a Faulknerian fascination for prose...
All I can say is that the story held my attention and urged me on towards the end, even though I wasn't always sure exactly what was going on. But I enjoyed the challenge of piecing together the events while being immersed in a wash of gushing language pushing ahead reagrdless. The key element of the style, that surprising adjectival epithet, a surreal beast popping out of nowhere, is shared by both this author and by yourself. I'm thinking that to carve out a different voice for the diegetically 'real' bits of story might be more challenging for you than this effusive hyper-prose.
I have more thoughts, but that'll do for the moment. Cheers
Thanks so much, Murph! Yes, it is a difficult task to judge this as it is a story-within-a-story, but it certainly helps to hear of the images that it conjures about the "writer." I am curious, were there particular part where it was unclear what was going on? I'd love to dive in and take a look at those areas if you don't mind
Yes, but I'm just off to have supper/go to bed right now. I'll get back to you with that tomorrow if I may
absolutely my friend!
Based on the comments, I'm in the minority of not liking this. I didn't read more than a few paragraphs because I found the prose hard to get through without it being really worth anything.
There's a particular modern writing style where it seems to not matter what is being said and how much is being said, but rather how it is being said. I prefer to see paragraphs packed densely with information, where each sentence might inform you of not just the scene in question, but the context of the world.
In this excerpt, however, it's as if you are trying to convey as little information as possible using as many words as possible. It's also as if you've gone through your story and intentionally replaced some words with other nonsensical ones at complete random, some of which don't hold even remotely hold the meaning you are intending to use them for. What is the reason for trying so desperately to conceal to your reader what you mean to say? What scene you mean to describe? Maybe I'm being unfair.
I will concede it's possible I just don't like this style, in which case you can safely discard all that feedback. I will say, however, you should be mindful of your sentence length variation.
I appreciate this! Thanks for the honesty my friend
Good work. Hard to offer more substantial criticism, I think I’d need to see more in context, but this is excellent
Thanks Caleb! Appreciate you, my friend! A little context: the main character (the dude who ‘wrote’ this) works at a crisis call line. There are vignettes throughout the novel that are implied to be written by him that are based on calls he takes
I'll send you my feedback through the mail or DM, but like with all of your writing, I'm walking away feeling pretty darn inspired.
Thanks Sean :) would really appreciate it
Marry them. Love will come later. *sage nod*